I have a son that is now in college. I have raised him, by myself as a single parent, for the last ten years. Through this experience I learned the following concepts: Nurturing, authority, discipline, communication, adolescence, and education. As documentation, I have submitted a certificate as parent of the year from Beverly Hills High School.
Nurturing
It was difficult for me to raise a son given that I am a single parent. Having to be father and mother at the same time, I realized that as my son was growing up, I had to provide the nurturing that both father and mother would traditionally provide. So I experienced first-handedly what it is to play toe role of both parents. Nurturing must include both strength and tenderness and both firmness and compassion. The strength is necessary so that the child can know that he is safe, so that as long as the father is around, the child is sure that nothing will happen to him. When my son first came to this country, he spoke absolutely no English at all. His head was always bowed in humility before the whole world, thinking himself unworthy and undeserving of those around him and as well as his surroundings. I defended him against those who would take advantage of his nobleness, and especially against those in authority who felt that he did not belong. I taught him to hold his head up high, that his heart, mind and talents were larger than life and that his possibilities were limitless. I encouraged him not to be afraid of speaking out, even though he already had an adventurous spirit. On his very first day of entering high school, he did not speak a word of English; I dropped him off in front of the school and left him to discover his new environment for himself. He was the only Mexican student in whole school. In the evenings I would ask him how his day went at school. He expressed to me his apprehension of being around all the other students and not being able to communicate. I insisted that he keep his head held high and not to bow to anyone. After reflecting upon this in retrospect, I have observed his growth and maturity. I have realized the strength and will that he has acquired, knowing that he has a fair challenge against the world. Once a child knows that someone else believes in him, he begins to believe in himself. This is crucial for a child’s self-esteem. I continued to reinforce this attitude and behavior and I constantly witnessed his growth and maturity. At sixteen years old, he went out and found a part-time job in the evenings; while at the same time maintained his studies and grades. He was always conscientious of being at home before his curfew. Parents should attempt to give their children enough room for self-discovery and growth. The parent should be vigilant so that the child stays on the right path.
Tenderness is of the utmost importance for a child. It is essential for the emotional, mental and physical health of the child. It is not enough to provide only food and shelter. The child needs to feel loved. Being Hispanic and of Latin-American culture, we are used to demonstrating affection and love to our children. Throughout my son’s life, I made sure that he received a hug and a kiss every morning when he awoke and before he would go to sleep. One never knows when it would be the last time that one sees his children, or the child sees his parents. I found that my son was always more responsive to me when I shoed him affection and made him consciously aware that I loved him. Some parents would disagree with me on this point, suggesting that boys need to experience more firmness than tenderness. When I tested the idea of being overly firm with my son, sometimes I found him to be withdrawn and unresponsive, and sometimes even rambunctious in his verbal responses to me. On occasions, he has asked me, “How do you know what you say is right?” Upon experiencing this, I realized that firmness without tenderness does not work. Instead my usual technique seemed to work better with my son, even though I recognize the value of a combination of both tenderness and firmness. There are usually two parental roles in the home: the mother and the father. In our case there was only the father. How was I to raise my child? I knew that I had to have the strength and wisdom of his father and the love and tenderness of his mother. If any of these qualities were missing, he would be lacking wholesomeness of a home.
Authority
This is a good point to discuss the idea of authority. A parent must be firm so that the child recognizes the parental authority that the parent has over him. I found that there were stages during my son’s life as he was maturing through adolescence that he wanted to assert more strongly his independence. He began to question my decisions and refused to take my words at face value without a lengthy discussion. He began to challenge my words and ideas as well as the reasoning behind my edicts. Remembering my own adolescence, I recalled how frustrated I felt and how unfair I judged my parents to be when I felt that my decisions were not being respected. As a personal example, there were the times when I was twelve years old and I would go to mass every evening. Since my grandmother was a staunch protestant, she forbad me to go to mass; but I would still go against her will even though a severe beating was always awaiting me. Wanting to avoid this feeling to prevail in my son, I learned to always listen attentively and to allow him to experience his own decisions, as long as they were not going to lead him down the wrong path. I recall at one point when my son was fifteen years old, he wanted to stay the night over some friends’ home whom I did not know. They did not go to school with him and they lived outside of the area. My son did not want to give me their phone numbers so that I could talk to their parents. I had to firmly assert my authority by telling him that I was not going to allow him to stay the night with his friends. Instead, I offered him to invite his friends to stay if they wished and contingent that their parents agreed and approved.
There are times in which a parent has to say no to their children because it is the best decision under the circumstances. The child has not yet experience life in order to recognize potential dangers and is incapable of understanding. A parent must be able to communicate to the child the reasoning behind the parent’s decision and try to offer a reasonable alternative. When I discussed this situation with other parents and some of my son’s peers, they told me that I was too strict with him. I disagreed. With so many young people falling into vice, drugs and sex, there are times that a parent has to be a parent and not a buddy.
Having compassion on the part of the parent empowers the parent to be understanding as well as respectful of their children. Being gentle thus is a very important. There have been many occasions when I did not see eye to eye with my son. The times when I was forceful with my own opinion, I noticed that it caused my son to feel disrespected and belittled. Upon subsequent occasions, I sat and listened to his point of view, which created an atmosphere of discussion instead of an atmosphere of discord. I found that my son was capable of coming to some very rational conclusions when I allowed him to do so. Parents should allow their children to make reasonable decisions in order to grow in responsibility.
Discipline
This is a good point at which to dovetail into the topic of discipline. When I speak of discipline, I am not going to limit my discussion just to punishment; rather the broader topic of discipline will be explored. I follow a routine on a daily basis; and this routine is observed by my son and it is inevitable that he gets involved in my daily routine. This is what I have discovered by having a daily routine, and as the saying goes: “Good habits replace bad ones.” If one’s life is filled with good habits and bad ones are avoided, when these good things are practiced by parents, then they are likely to rub off on the children. Some of these habits that I practice in my personal daily routine are: rising early, (I get up at 5:30 am in the morning every day: a daily prayer rule, daily mass), work, homework, reading and meals eaten together. These may seem very mundane or even trivial, but they have proven to be effective in maintaining discipline in one’s life. This is a sort of discipline, a rule, a way of life. This discipline inevitably rubs off on those witnessing this discipline in a direct or indirect way. As an example, my own child who has witnessed my own ethics, without me forcing them upon him, has chosen to incorporate them as part of his own. He has also expanded upon them himself by incorporating exercise and good nutrition. When positive and good things are reinforced oftentimes there is very little room for negative ones; and if there are, they are more easily rooted out.
When a child does something wrong, it is always a good idea to bring it to the child’s attention by sitting down and talking about the issue, allowing an open door of communication. For example, I sat down with my son when he was an adolescent and explained to him that I wanted him to be at home by 9:00 pm in the evening. If for any reason he would not be able to make his curfew, he was to call me and let me know where he was. Reflecting upon this rule and observing how he literally ran home to be in the door before none o’clock, I relaxed the time to ten o’clock since I saw that he was trustworthy. Parenting is not all about the children’s attitudes and responses, rather more so those of the parents.
There is only one time in my whole life that I physically punished my son. In retrospect, it was more out of anger on my part. And this is a great danger. The response and reaction of a parent may be more of what the parent is experiencing at the moment rather than an actual correction of a child’s behavior; and the actual benefit to the child may be minimal. I realized this when afterwards my son asked me: “what did I do?” I realized that my son did not even know why I was punishing him. I pondered upon this and incorporated it into modifying my future behavior. Many say that there is value in physical punishment and others would say that it is a form of child abuse. All that I can say is that I physically punished my son once and I have chosen that that type of discipline was not appropriate in guiding my son. What I recommend is a good basis of communication in lieu of punishment.
Communication
Communication between the parents and their children is of the utmost importance. Communication nurtures and creates an environment of trust, respect and understanding. On one occasion my son told me that I never listen to him. I thought to myself, he must be mistaken. On another occasion, he again told me, “You never listen to me.” I again dismissed his comment thinking that he must be upset about something. A third time he said to me “You never listen to me.” This time I sat down, closed my mouth, and listened. Recently a friend of mine said something incredibly profound and even philosophical to me: “God gave us two ears and only one mouth…so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” I have pondered on this and realized that when my son tells me that I never listen to him, he did not mean that I was not hearing his words, it meant that I always had something to say that did not take into consideration his perspective and his points of views. This was a revelation for me. I have always thought that I was a good listener; many people have told me so. But with my son, I listened attentively, but did not consider his input as valid, because I was the parent and he was the child. So how could this situation be reconciled? This can be reconciled through discussion, real discussion. Parents should sit down with their children and really discuss important issues. Parents taking this opportunity should not take an authoritative position during the discussion, rather allow the child to express his views on the issues in concern. A mutual agreement should be sought through a series of back and forth of exchanging of ideas and concerns. When a child is allowed to come to a parent’s conclusion on their own, they are more likely to accept a parent’s good counsel. Likewise, a parent may also come to the conclusion that the parent’s demands could have been unreasonable. I realized that my son felt that I was showing him respect. So I took the idea of respecting my son even further than discussions. I began respecting his privacy. By this time he was in high school. There was a time that I would have been around as he would talk to his friends on the phone. By now, I gave him his space. I thought to myself that he has never given me any reason to mistrust him and I should acknowledge this by allowing him a little room and more privacy. By doing so, I was demonstrating that I trusted and respected him. The understanding part is something I had to learn. There are instances in which this system of trust does not work. When a child abuses this trust system, I have seen that other parents have used tighter parental controls with their children. One parent went as far as telling me that I should be reading my son’s email and journals to keep a tight control over what influences him. In my situation, I have to disagree.
Adolescence
Adolescence has proven to be one of the scariest and most challenging stages of parenting a child. There comes a moment in a parent’s life with their children when they actually have to step back and take a real good look at their kids and ask themselves, “how could this kid possible be the same as the one twelve years ago. They have grown, their minds have changed, their voices have changed and their bodies have changed; and all of this is still in a state of flux. At times they seem to be so very different than from what we remember them as babies and toddlers. And I believe I know why this is after having pondered on it for some time. It is because as smaller children, we are the biggest influence in their lives, we as parents. And the constant interaction between parent and child forms the child’s experience and psyche. Yet as they grow up, we are no longer the only influence in their lives. They interact with other children, they make friends and their friends have a tremendous influence on who they become. Case in point, one day after my son had come home from high school, he walked in through the doorway and greeted me with: “What’s crackin’?” This completely caught me off guard, given that my son had not been speaking English for very long, this perhaps was his second year. I recognized what he said was a form of slang, but I was not sure what he was saying. “So I asked him in Spanish, “I beg your pardon?” He then responded to me with, “What’s up?” This was definitely an appropriate time to sit down and talk about the appropriateness of words. I figured that his friends were speaking like this and that my son was not yet able to distinguish what was the correct usage of language with persons outside his circle of friends. Our discussion was effective because he never again made the same type of comments to me. I told him that if he were ever in doubt as to the appropriateness of words, to ask me. Words are not the only influence that a circle of friends can have on our children. There is a whole list of items that should make a parent fearful. Some of topics might be smoking, drugs, drinking, sex and many other topics that most teenage young adults have to confront during their tenure at school. I often would discuss these matters with my son. I explained to him the dangers of smoking, how un-cool it was and how it causes cancer and other health problems. I also talked to him about avoiding drinking and drug usage. I know he listened to me on these topics because he avoids all of these like the plague. I do not think that I can take all of the credit for this. Living in a neighborhood that is free from vice is also helpful, as well as my son having friends that did not have any vices. The only topic that I never could really talk to him about was sex. I was not sure if I should impose upon him my deeply religious values without him coming to discover this for himself first. I, instead, shared with him constantly my life’s story. I would explain to him the different situations in which I had found myself throughout life and how I confronted various issues. I share with him my faith and my values. Besides all of this, he witnesses first handedly how I live my own life. I have found that this has influenced my son even more so that my words. When a child is able to observe and to choose for himself, he is more likely to follow good examples than to follow good counsel. There must be some wisdom in the old saying: “Actions speak louder than words.” Thus, this was my weapon against any peer pressure my son might have been experiencing. Another imperative for me was to make sure that my son grew up in a good neighborhood and a good environment in which violence, drugs, drinking and the like were at an absolute minimum. It may have cost me more to pay for the standard of life and the quality of neighborhood, but this was a sacrifice that I had to make for the good of my son.
A positive aspect of choosing a good neighborhood in which to live was that fact that most of our neighbors were executives of corporations or owners of private businesses. Their children learned a different work ethic than many children. They learned that the sky is the limit for them. They learned the importance of education. They learned not to be afraid of life and that the world should respect them. All of this rubbed off on my son. He came a long way from being an immigrant who did not speak English to the polished young man who will be beginning law school next fall. Now I observe my son as he is doing his internship at my office. He is ambitious and looking to prove himself to the world. He told me on one occasion during his internship that the company could benefit if we would change the organizational structure and allow him to do an analysis of the department. Since then, he has implemented several procedures and protocol that have profited the company. After seeing the finished product he handed to me, I beamed inside with realization that he has come a long way.
Education
This is a natural point to talk about education. Education is not just the responsibility of the schools. Education begins at home. Values are imparted to children at a very young age. I started to read to my son at a very young age. I was able to see what caught his attention the most, what sparked his imagination. In the village where we live in Mexico, there was no such thing as a television. Life was very simple, and hearts were pure. This proved to be fertile ground upon which to build a good foundation. The best thing is that my son did not grow up with the influence and culture of television. He always kept busy doing school work and chores. When he came to the United States, this ethic followed him. I was glad that he was not easily influenced by pop culture. Parents would do good to encourage their children to engage in wholesome and healthy activity, and to avoid sitting in front of a television.
It is important to participate in the school life of children. Every night after I would get home from the office, I sat down with my son and helped him with his homework. My son then knew that I took his education to heart. He strived harder knowing that I put time and effort in sitting with him. I also could see where his strengths and weaknesses were, and what his eventual vocation in life would be. It is important for a parent to be able to make an assessment of their children’s ability and progress, and not leave this only up to the educators at the school. Some parents would agree with me and others may not. So many parents have busy schedules as not to have the time, or the mental stamina after a hard day’s work, to come home to housework, and then help their children along with school work. In my personal case, I made my son the priority in my life. I never missed a single soccer game, cross country or track meet in which he participated. I was out there cheering and calling out goals with Latino gusto. Many of the other kids would tell my son that they wished their fathers would come and watch them play. My son then felt a sense of pride because I was always out there supporting him. A child will build a sense of self-worth when they see their parents supporting them.
It is of the utmost importance for a parent to recognize the ability of their children and encourage them to continue through college. I insisted on my son to go to college. I indoctrinated him with the importance of education and the differences in opportunities for those who continue on to college as opposed to those who do not go to college. I further demonstrated this by returning to college myself. By doing so, I was able to experience the same difficulties that he might have been experiencing. At the same time, he was able to witness my personal effort of doing homework and staying up late to finish assignments and the priority I put on school work.
Conclusion
In conclusion, a parent must render to his child unconditional support. A child must know and feel that a parent loves him unconditionally and that the parent always accepts and supports him no matter what. This is probably the truest of all the virtues of a parent.
Posted on Saturday, December 23, 2006 at 12:22AM
